I took some quizzes. They were amusing. And that's it. I really don't feel like writing about anything today. I need to get off and study for AP Economics because I refuse to be given a pity grade again for that class. Really, Cosgrove is great . . . but people need to fall sometimes, you know?
What Kind of Smile are You? You're the smirk, a frown-smile hybrid that's a little bit cocky and usually associated with evil or arrogant, but attractive people. You probably just don't give a damn, but it's everyone else's fault if you don't because you're too awesome to have any real faults.
How Depressed are You? You're depressed. Really you are. And you definitely have a reason. You often space out and stare at things blankly, even if you're normally hyper and energetic. This is because nothing really seems important anymore. You might just be sad right now, or you might be manic depressive. Don't worry. Have some cocoa and stuff'll be ok.
What Kind of Girlfriend Are You? Perfect. You're the perfect girlfriend. Which means you're rare or that you cheated :P You're the kind of chick that can hang out with your boyfriend's friends and be silly. You don't care about presents or about going to fancy placed. Hell, just hang out. You're just happy being around your boyfriend.
What Fuzzy Thing Are You? Fuzzy Coconut! You are a fuzzy coconut. You live on Glucose and live in a tree like a crazy mofo with leprosy. You have been mistaken for a bowling ball and probably identify with the Lion King because they sing "I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts . . ."
I forgot to mention that I'm feeling sick and that I'm miserable. My ears hurt and I'm all hot and feeling like crap. I hate colds. Hate them! I think I got it from my nephew who also gave his cold to his mother (my sister) and my brother . . . and me. Bleh. Bleh. Bleh. I have a headache and feel terrible, but I believe I'd said as much already. I'm ready to go. Goodnight dear doves.
AND TODAY IS TODAY (20.3.03) // ARCHIVES
4:27 PM: Hello y'all! Well, it's been a long time. No matter, no one reads this anyway. So, things are kind of okay. I did poorly last quarter in school, which is kind of irksome, kind of disconcerting. I didn't turn in an essay for English, which is disappointing. I just wish that I had turned in what I had and had gotten a '1' instead of a '0' . . . then I would have gotten a 'B' instead of a 'C'.
Alas and Alack.
We're reading, or rather, have finished Their Eyes Were Watching God by Zora Neale Hurston. I didn't particularly like it. I kind of dislike female authors. Now, you might be wondering why a female like myself would dislike female authors. I really don't know, actually. It's just that the female authors that I have come into contact with (through their books, of course) don't really interest me. They usually write about a man or their independence that they end giving up for a man or about the pains of womanhood. I don't see what's so interesting about all of that. I'm more into the . . . spirit? Stuff that could apply to all, not just listless females who have been shut out of the world by overbearing males.
If I actually come across an interesting book by a female author, I'll be sure to write about it . . . that is, if I remember to. I got some books recently. Two I bought and four are borrowed from the library. I bought The Moviegoer by Walker Percy and Slaughterhouse-Five by Kurt Vonnegut, which is cool because I finally have my own copies. I borrowed A Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man by James Joyce, Rossalde, The Glass Bead Game, and Siddhartha/Steppenwolf . . . the last three are by Hermann Hesse, which is great.
I enjoy Hesse a great deal.
I also enjoy Albert Camus. Camus rocks my world. Well, not in the sense that he blows me away with his psychological promptings, but he just rocked. He's awesome. Hesse's Demian really rocked my world in the world-rocking kind of way. Made me kind of crazy for a couple o' days, which is cool.
Good books make me happy.
So, I'm listening to Zeta, which rocks. Red Hot Chili Peppers are on. They fucking rock. Fuck yeah! I love them, I do. They make me want to live and die and create and destroy . . . well, not really the last two. I usually feel the last two in relation to what I feel in response to what kind of day I'm having or have had.
Mmm.
I think I'm going to read some Harry Potter fanfiction . . . or sleep . . . or wait for my dad to come with lunch . . . or sleep. Sleep has been bad this past week. I think it's because my napping and sleeping schedule were fucked up last week and during the weekend because of the play.
Oh, I was in "Sweet Charity." I was one of the dancers; no lines, but I still had a bunch of fun. I met new people and made happy new friendships, although I don't really see them anymore because I don't have any bloody classes with them. Alas. But I really do adore them and I had tons of fun and . . . that's it. Just a happy feeling all around. Here are a couple of pictures from the play. If you can't tell, I'm the Asian girl:
My plans for the upcoming weekend goes as follows: go and see "Rumors" at Nova University, read A Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man by James Joyce and Siddhartha by Herman Hesse, sleep, and eat. Heh.
Anyway, happy day or night to all. And God help us in this war. Let our troops come home safely. And let the American people realize that we need to give all of our support to those fighting for our freedom, for the freedom of the world. Let others realize what we are doing for them. Lord, watch over us and keep us safe.
AND TODAY IS TODAY (23.2.03) // ARCHIVES
1:14 AM: Ooh, I never wrote about the beach outing for Lifetime Sports. It was really good. My morale was really high. I just had a really nice time. Not having bikini bottoms was fine. The water was cold. I believe I got stung by . . . something. ^_^ All in all, a fabulous day. I couldn't have asked for better.
I got darker, which is cool. What isn't cool is that I have the beginnings of what could be a very bad tan line for my prom dress. It's a strapless ballgown, and it won't fucking do to have terrible bikini top tan lines.
Nope.
So I think I'm going to lay off the beach for a bit until after prom or if I visit Miami beach where there's topless sunbathing. Although I really doubt my parents would want me to go to that beach. Hell, they don't even want me at the beach period. And I wouldn't want to go alone. And I probably wouldn't want to go with a girlfriend. We musn't show our ladies to each other. And I don't have a boyfriend . . . or trustforthy friend who is a boy who would frighten other boys away.
I really want matching bikini bottoms to the top I have already and a new bikini + sandals + boardshorts. I could really go for something that would be good for my coloring. I'm thinking black. It would show off my skin tone and emphasize my dark hair. Lovely. I already found what I'm looking for as well. Now I need the bloody cash.
God, isn't this a fucking amazing setup? I want this shit so bad. I have 200 in the bank, but I don't know if I should take it out. Ugh! I want this stuff now! Pronto! Omigod, I want this stuff. Man, I could be angsty all night, but I'll have to cut this short. I've got church in the morning.
G'nighty, m'dears. Have a pleasant rest of the weekend. ^_^
AND TODAY IS TODAY (20.2.03) // ARCHIVES
9:54 PM: Hmm, hello. Yah, today was worse than yesterday. I was fucking down today. The kind of down that's reminiscent of fucking sophomore year, which is semi scary. I was a scary vegetable sophomore year. I don't know, man. It's just fucking disappointing.
Alas and fucking alack.
Tomorrow we're going to the beach, which is fucking cool. What is fucking bad is that I don't have fucking bikini bottoms. I have the fucking top, but no fucking bottoms. I'm beyond fucking mad. No, I'm not mad, just fucking irritated. I really hate my life. I want to die. I want to kill myself.
Wait, I think we had this type of entry before. I think I'll skip all of this fucking melodrama.
I took a cool fucking quiz just now. It really really really really really really really really fits. For fuck sake, unbelievably uncanny the way it fucking applies to me. Although I don't really agree with its title. The caption is correct though.
Nerdslut: What's your sexual appeal?
AND TODAY IS TODAY (19.2.03) // ARCHIVES
10:31 PM: Hey spacebabies! Well, how's it going? It's been pretty mediocre for me. I've been fucking down, man. I don't know. All of these fucking ruffians bringing the morale down. How unhappy, you know? God damn it all to fucking hell. I don't know. I don't feel like discussing it on a blog no one fucking reads.
What Neon Genesis Evangelion character are you?
AND TODAY IS TODAY (8.2.03) // ARCHIVES
3:20 PM: My soul hurts. I heart feels like it's going to burst—in an unhappy way. I hate it when I disappoint people. I hate it when I feel like people hate me. I hate myself. I want to die. I want to explode. I want to bloody implode. I want to fucking run away. I want to run to the ocean. I want to sit on the beach and watch the waves bring foam to the shoreline. I want to look at the sky. I want to smell the air at dusk. I want to fucking live. I'm just so fucking dead all of the time.
What to do, what to do.
I think I'm doomed to be forever by myself and completely friendless. This is in relation to yesterday's feeling of shitty-ness. I don't know. It just sucks. Plain sucks. Maybe it'd be better if I only rely on myself. Who the fuck needs people anyway? Well, everyone, but in the end, the only one you can ever rely on is yourself. Everyone else has the own fucking personal agenda. You might think they fucking care, but when you really need someone, they won't be there for you. They just fucking won't.
The ACT was terrible. I think I did better on the math, but I may have botched up my English and science. Ah, fucking hell. I'm just going to run away or something. I'm not capable of doing good things. It makes me think of fucking Notes from Underground: "They won't let me be good." I think that's the only quote I know from that fucking book, but it's only because it affected me so much. It really hurt my heart to read those fucking words because they're just so true. Oh look, I'm being pathetic again.
What-fucking-ever.
I found something interesting on the 'net today. I thought it was pretty cute. It's anti-war compaigning. I'm a Republican and can see that war is inevitable and not a fucking plot for oil since it's cheaper to get that from Russia, but I thought it was pretty cool. I'm probably not going to get any feedback on it anyway. Just something amusing for me to put up for no one to see:
AND TODAY IS TODAY (7.2.03) // ARCHIVES
9:23 PM: Today has been pretty busy. It was cool. I did so many things today. Heh. Sidenote: I'm so nice to people after I've gone out somewhere. I think I hate being caged. It just bloody infuriates me. Like I know that I can't fight against the inevitable, but being unable to fight bloody blows.
So today has been beautiful except for when I felt really shitty. We had a late start today at school. So Kitty, Patricia, and I went to breakfast. ^_^ We went to Rainbo Cafe, which was really lovely (located in Young Circle). I had strawberry pancakes that came with three sausages, but not coffee; I got that separate. Kitty had chocolate pancakes with three sausages. Patricia had Eggs Benedict with homefries.
Oh, my strawberry pancakes.
My pancakes were beyond good. They were fucking amazing. They just melted in my mouth, they were so good. Swoon. It's not like they made plain pancakes and put strawberries on top. They put strawberries in the center of a pancake, folded it, and then put more strawberries on top. So good. There were three of them. Oh, beyond good. I want some really soon. I think I'll go back just for those really amazing pancakes. The coffee was watered down though. Their coffee blew. Everything was good other than that and the stupid middle-aged waitress.
I really didn't appreciate the help. For fuck's sake, the waitress was beyond rude. Just because we're bloody-fucking-teenagers doesn't mean we're going to disrespect her or vandalize the fucking place. How freaking annoying. I wanted to throw my hot coffee in her fucking face—I was that fucking mad. Unbelievable. I never had such terrible service since Johnny Rockets in Aventura Mall. God forbid that paying customers actually want to be treated with respect. We weren't even disrespectful in the least. That woman just had a terrible-fucking-attitude.
Blah.
Then we went to school. We had to run to first period because of the bloody traffic. Stover was a stupid, dickless, cock-licking fucker again. What an annoying son-of-a-bitch. He wrote me up yesterday for sneakers. I don't see him writing up the fucking athletes and fucking cheerleaders. Or is it because I'm a minority? Whatever. That guy is such a fucking bastard. I hope he dies.
Seriously.
Anyway, then I went to Heffernan's and we didn't have our quiz. I suppose we'll have it on Tuesday since we have no school on Monday. Good (No School Monday!). There's also a board game due for his class. It's supposed to be based on The Sirens of Titan. It's due Wednesday. God only knows if I'll fucking get it done. I don't even know where to start. Goddamn, what the hell am I going to do?
Alas.
Then I was supposed to go to Cosgrove's class, but I skipped it. I hung out and had bonding time with Brother Chuck. I'm really worried about Bro Cho. He's using a cane nowadays. I just hope he's okay, you know? And about Cosgrove's class. I'm pretty nervous because I don't usually skip important classes of mine. I really think that I have the possibility of getting written up for skipping. God, do you know how many fucking demerits that is? I'm probably going to be suspended. Yah, I know, me? Weird-Asian-Girl-Who-Never-Breaks-Any-Rules?
Ugh.
Then I had Math Analysis. Carlson collected homework that I didn't do again. I swear, dude, I'm going to ace all of the tests and quizzes, but it won't fucking matter because I hate doing math homework. I just don't believe in it. Fucking terrible. To be getting a fucking "C" in a regular class is embarrassing.
Then I went to lunch. I talked to Ronnie. I love Ronnie. I really love Ronnie. What a fabulous, sincere guy. He's really great, you know? He told me about leading at encounter and how LaMont changed and stuff that happened to him. I so want to be a leader now. I really don't think I'll be chosen though. I mean, yes, I had an amazing experience at my encounter, but so many people want to fucking lead. And LaMont said "I can't promise anything."
For fuck's sake.
The things I learned about LaMont really hurt me to the point of crying. I can't really repeat them because I don't think Ronnie would appreciate it, but... the stuff I heard really hurt my heart. I was tearing up and crying, man.
Anyway, so the rest of school-day was pretty blasé. We stayed after and watched an episode of Cowboy Bebop. It was okay. It had no aim, so I really didn't enjoy it much. Like... it was cool, but not really my style. I wouldn't go out of my way to fucking get that anime.
Then I went to Kitty's house, changed my clothes, and then Kitty and I picked up her mom. We ate some stuff from McDonalds. It was really good. Then we went to Barnes and Noble for five minutes. I got a VentiLatte and then had to leave. >_< I also combed/brushed Kitty's hair. ^_^
Heh.
Kitty's such a good friend/person to me. I just feel so shitty when I'm bad to her. Like, we were only there for five minutes because my sister came and got me. I also stole a fucking book, which probably dirtied her image of me in her head (Camus, Albert's The Plague. It was 12-fucking-dollars!). I could totally tell that I disappointed her. My stomach just dropped when I realized that. I wanted to harm myself in an unpleasant way. I feel really bad when she's so good to me. That's why I usually don't hang out with people because in the end I just fuck them over or something.
I'm just really and completely worthless.
So then Isse, Max, Brendon and I got my dad some food from Dragon Gate. Then we went to Burger King. I had a side salad. It was really good. I love ranch dressing. Then I went home, and then went to Albertson's with Jin. We got stuff to make spaghetti and veggies and fruits.
Yup.
I'm retaking the ACT tomorrow at Pace, so I'm going to go and eat dinner and then sleep. Yep. So, that was my day, loves. Have a good night and... I'll see y'all around, yes?
AND TODAY IS TODAY (4.2.03) // ARCHIVES
3:19 PM: Today has been blank, but what can be expected of a bloody Tuesday? I don't know, man. I wrote Jon McCaughan a very important letter, and he didn't read it right away, which was disappointing. I was thinking that a note from me would be considered important. Obviously, it isn't. I guess that justifies my decision in rejecting him. He's not who I thought he was. Or maybe I'm just not worth much. What the saddest thing about today is that I'm writing my thoughts to no one. No one reads this thing. I'm just this stupid, useless girl. Not many people love me, and if they do it's because they feel bad for me... or sorry for me... or something.
Whatever.
I found myself with so much time after school. I never realized how much time I spend talking or trying to talk to Heffernan, Kirkley, and Chalfant. I'm just here in the bloody library because I have no where to go. I'd gone to the cafeteria earlier to buy a warm chocolate chip cookie and Fritos. I finished the cookie and I'm eating the Fritos right now.
Fritos.
Well, I really wanted to freaking talk to Jon, but I suppose that won't happen. In the letter, I wrote that maybe we shouldn't be friends—that maybe he just put effort into our friendship because he was trying to win me over, just wanted me as his girlfriend. Man, I don't know what to think anymore.
I really don't think anyone likes me romantically. I mean, sure, there are probably guys who "like" me, but none who like me for who I am. I think the only person who probably liked me that way was Jon Kaiser. I know, the Jon, Jon, Jons. It happens to be his birthday today actually.
I think I'm just doomed to be freaking depressed for the rest of my life. I mean, we're born to die, you know? But seriously, I really believe in living? Fuck, I'm just so dead. I'm the deadest person I know. I'm lifeless. I full of nothing. I'm full of shit. I'm just waste. I'm scum on the piece of the fucking earth. I need to be exterminated. I need to be killed. I need... something. Really, I really think so. I need something before I'm just fucking pulled down into the overused abyss.
Fuck that.
I'm so sick of everything. I'm so sick of fucking school and all of these fake fucking people. They're just in it for themselves. I mean, who isn't fucking in it for themselves? Goddamn these motherfuckers. I'm one of them, but I don't push myself upon situations to look for comfort. If people really want to cheer me up, they'd fucking come up to me.
They'd know.
Unfortunately, or maybe miraculously, I have a friend like that: Amy. She bought me Camou's The Stranger because I was down today. She's such a good soul. I love Amy.
Sigh.
I think that's all for now. I really doubt that I'll write anymore for today. My dad should be here soon to pick me up. Man, am I bloody-fucking-thirsty. I should go get some water. Yay. Happy trails, I suppose.
12:12 AM: So I've become quite enamored with the solitaire game on my computer. I just love to freaking play the thing. The highest score I got so far is a 5452 (without the side bonus) in 145 seconds, which is fucking cool. Ah well. I'm just bloody-fucking-nuts.
So, today was an okay day. It was pretty good in fact. I mean, I was cheery throughout. I was smiling and dancing about the halls and saying hello to people I don't know and winking at boys, which isn't really good, but cheery nonetheless. The day was great when compared to my other days I should think. I'm usually always really down and depressed, but today was different.
Which is good.
I picked up the Encounter III list in the office today. Cool cool cool. I wrote half of my palancas already, but I still need to write more. In all actuality, I'm pretty fucking tired. I bet the encounter people are just getting to sleep right now. Yep. Ah, the memories. I should have fucking led this encounter. I'm so fucking dumb. I need to kill myself. Or explode. Or implode. Or just jump into a pool and drown myself, seeing as how I can't bloody swim.
So, I really don't have much to comment about. Blah blah blah. I'm sleepy. Go to hell. Flaaaah. Sirens of Titan. A sidenote: I think I'm getting sick, which is bad because I just had a fucking cold last month. For godsakes, you'd think they'd stop fucking coming to me.
Oh, I watched About a Boy. It was surprisingly very very good. I actually want to go out and buy it. Like, I really don't like Hugh Grant, but he's really good in this movie. And I also didn't think much of the directors of American Pie, but they directed this movie very well. All in all, very good quality movie. Really, I was surprised.
Okay, I'm repeating things. I think I'm going to go to sleep now. I have to wake up early and all of that bloody malarkey. Goodnight, goddamnit.
AND TODAY IS TODAY (31.1.03) // ARCHIVES
10:56 PM: Today has been a mixture of complete apathy and fucking awesomeness. I just came back from the International Dinner, which was held in the cafeteria at school, but I'll get to that later. I think I fancy writing in chronological order. Chrono-synclastic Infundibulum. Chrono. "Go to hell."
Hah. (A Sirens of Titan thing.)
So, this morning I got into a fight with my parents. Well, not my parents, but my dad specifically. I don't feel like relating why, and if you ask me, I probably won't tell you. But I told Chalfant why this morning before lunch, so I'm pretty sure that I'll tell you if I feel like it. Anyway, so I wasn't allowed to hang out with Patricia after school. I didn't get to see Just Married. And I didn't get to hang with Michael Jacobson.
Thank-fucking-God.
Well, thank God to the Jacobson part. That kid is fucking creepy and beyond odd. I mean, sure, he's a cool-ish kid, which is why I started being friends with him in the first place, but... I don't know. I just have this feeling he has a crush on me or something. His body language at the Internation Dinner totally begged for a hug, but I wasn't going to give into that shit.
Shudder. Twitch. Shudder.
Anyway, so I went to school and didn't feel like going to first period. The fight with my parents and the fucking grounding of my afternoon activities really fucked me up. So when the three minute bell rang, I walked toward Chalfant's room to hang out before eventually asking for a pass to class, but then I went into Kirkley's room to say hello. The thing, though, was that he wasn't available for a hello, but Heffernan was there, which was cool. I talked with him about books and writing and English and Vonnegut and beauty and Brother Chuck and people and life and college and poems.
It was great.
Really worth skipping first period for. I hadn't had a talk like that with him for months. You know, before the other people realized what a fucking treasure he is. Really, I've been blessed by God to have Heffernan as a teacher. He's the best teacher I've ever had. I'm dreading next year because I know that I'll never have such an amazing teacher again.
So then when the bell rang to signify the end of first and the beginning of second, which is when I have Heffernan. I went to the office to sign in to school. Fuck no would I be written up for skipping. I'd rather come to school "late."
The rest of school was fine. I had Carlson sign me a pass to the library during his class. Instead I went to have a five minute chat with Chalfant. Then I studied for AP Bio. The test was really scheduled for yesterday, but I was really depressed yesterday and asked Mrs. Fisher if I could take the test today, which she allowed. She's such a nice lady. I love people who take care of me. She must be a really good mother, too.
Ah, lovely.
I went home today right after school at 2:40. Then I made myself lunch and took a nap before the International Dinner. The International Dinner was fucking awesome. The bands that performed were fucking amazing. Adam, a drummer, and his brother, Brett, a bass player, are fucking awesome. Adam is beyond skillful on his drum set.
Fuck Yeah.
Also, Eric Murias and his brother are fucking cool. Man, everyone was just awesome. Other performers include Laura Antunes (fucking cool), Josephine (fucking cool), these two bestfriend dancers (fucking cool), etc. Tortora and Carlson were there. I love them. Also Pat, Amy, Sapna, Jon McCaughan, Jon Kaiser, etc. I could name a million fucking people. Really, I had a good time tonight.
So that's fucking it. Fucking cool. I fucking loved tonight. The bands... Fuck yeah, baby. They were cool. Have a good night and such. I did. Now I'm off to watch Blue Crush with my brother and sister who just got back from her five day cruise. Cool.
Goodnight, space baby.
Thanks for nothing, Blogger.
